Long-Haired Hippy Freak

On a late spring, Wednesday evening, when the kids can taste the end of the school year and the beginning of summer, I reach into an open topped box and pull out a creased slip of paper. Everyone in the room holds their breath to see what the next question is going to be. It’s “Ask the Pastor Night” and the 100 plus middle school students and adult confirmation guides can ask me anything. I read the question quietly to myself. I've seen this question before and it’s one of my favorites.

I started this tradition seven years ago when it occurred to me that Jesus did a lot of teaching simply by letting his disciples ask questions. People learn best when they are interested and invested in the topic. Over the years I've discovered that there is some serious spiritual thinking going on in the minds of 12-14 year olds. And, as you might suspect, there are some stupid things as well. There is usually a 50-50 split between serious questions and questions intended to stump me or make the class laugh since I allow them to ask me anything.

I smile as I read the question out loud. “Why do you wear your hair in a pony-tail and grow your beard so long?” This is a question that every adult member of my congregation wants to ask me. Most people have become accustomed to it by now but every once in a while someone makes a stray comment. Personally, I find it interesting to discover who is bothered by my personal style choices. In a community that is supposed to be based on love I am always surprised by the insistent presence of social convention and stereotyped expectations.

“Sanity,” I say. “It’s to keep me from losing my mind.”

In a Fuller Institute / George Barna / Pastoral Care Inc. study (cited here) 70% of pastors say they have a lower self-image now than when they first started in ministry. Again, I can relate to this feeling. After 20 years of ordained ministry I feel much less healthy mentally, physically and spiritually. Perhaps that has something to do with being firmly entrenched in middle age, but the truth is, the church isn't helping. Where Jesus brought hope and healing the church, as an institution, sucks it out of you. (More on this in a future post.)

I can’t tell you how easy it is to get buried under the myriad expectations that people have for their pastor(s). It is a constant battle to stay true to who I am as a person. I don’t have to change to please God. And while I believe that I am changed by knowing that God loves me the way I am, that change doesn't correspond to society’s stereotypical picture of a well-adjusted, middle class adult. 

I've seen other balding, middle aged men with ponytails. I look at the scraggily, gray beard in the mirror every day. I know that it’s not my best look. But God doesn't care how I look. God has called me, Kevin, into ministry. I don’t have to give up any of my “Kevin-ness” to answer that call. If God had wanted someone else to do this God had a whole world of people to choose from.  

Adopting this homeless-guy, Old Testament prophet look reminds me (and hopefully others) that my true self-worth and self-image come from the indwelling Holy Spirit, not on how well I “fit in” with the rest of the group. This is exactly the struggle that so many of the middle school and high school students are faced with every day. The fact that I (or anyone) within the church should struggle to fit in is nothing less than shameful. The fact that so many church leaders feel worse about themselves after being in ministry tells me there is something wrong with the way we are being a church.