Not My Voice

At first I was hesitant to believe that this voice I heard in my head was the actually God speaking to me. I’m still not one-hundred percent certain about it. At the time, there was only one way to find out if it was or if it wasn’t God speaking to me. So I started to listen.

In my prayers I stopped talking and listened. Sometimes I heard the voice and sometimes I didn’t. When I would ask a question the voice didn’t always reply. Sometimes it would speak when I wasn’t listening for it. It would say my name as if to get my attention.  I noticed that it was different from the imagined conversations that I constructed in my head. The voice said things that I would have never imagined God would say. It said, “Wait,” when I was certain it would say, “Go.” The voice said, “It doesn’t really matter that much,” when I thought that something was terribly important.  And when I was sure that I had blown an important opportunity the voice said, “It’s okay.”

This voice was different from anything I had ever heard. The sound of it brought peace in the midst of tension and fear. It spoke freedom in the presence of a trap. It created openings when it felt like the world was closing in. It spoke forgiveness when I was guilty and acceptance when I was ashamed.

It is perhaps tragically ironic that this voice regularly says things to me that feel contrary to what religion says to me on a regular basis. (I need to note here that I make a distinction between religion and faith: Religion is a system, an institution that uses people for its own sake. Faith is a belief or a hope that pulls us forward towards fullness of life.) Religion tells me to get my act together but the voice tells me to make a choice and learn from whatever happens. Religion tells me that I should be acutely aware of what God designed me for and that I had better play along if I want to be happy and fulfilled. The voice tells me that I was created to enjoy life, that life is a gift to me and that I am a gift to all life. Religion insists that God is perpetually on the verge of being angry with me for my disobedience and sin. The voice assures me that God is slow to anger and that even when I do something wrong God is already at work to make it right, to redeem what I have broken.  Religion tells me that I am a piece of shit that never gets it right but that God loves me anyway. The voice says, “I never think of you as a piece of shit. Ever. Even when you act like one.”

Ultimately, this is what convinced me that this was the voice of God and not just some coping mechanism in my mind or some demonic spirit that had injected itself into my being. It doesn’t lead me away from Life, it leads me towards it. The voice says, “This life is for you. You have it. I have given it to you as a gift. It is within you.”  Religion, on the other hand, doesn’t lead to Life. Religion points to where Life is and says,  “Someday you may get to experience the fullness of life but today you’ll have to be content with the promise that it may be yours someday.”

When I look again at the stories and texts in the Bible they do not contradict what the voice is saying. In fact, I hear the voice in these texts and stories speaking the same words of peace and acceptance that I hear in my head. In the scripture I see and hear religious institutions make claims about the one right way to live (which, by the way, happen to change over time) and I hear God set people free to live a fuller life. The problem is that because both are in the Bible we accept them both as the “word of God” and struggle to reconcile these two different voices into one.

I wish I could say that I only listen to and follow the voice that speaks life. Unfortunately the voice of religion speaks loudly with authority and power and often drowns out the quieter more peaceful voice that I believe is God. It’s frustrating. But every time I hear that still, small voice I am reminded that I have a choice.